Monthly Archives: December 2011

A girl who came into my life for a season….

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As I am now past my teens, I am past my twenties, and half way through my thirties, I have realized many important things in this world.

It appears as if the universe and the world have these plans for each one of us.  We all have our own destined road to go through.  As we move through our winding road, people and things are always going to be in our lives.

These people who enter our world either come into our lives for a certain reason.  It could be anything from teaching us a life learned lesson to letting us know that we do not want to be like that person.

Then there are those people who come into our lives just for the season.  Oh, how I have had many of those.  Once you get to really know them, you realize you do not want to associate with them anymore.  Or maybe they just move away or disappear.

And then there are those who are with you until you depart this world.  Those are the people who you hold close to your heart.  Those are the people who mean something to you.  Who you care about.  You wonder how they are doing.  These people will always be in your life no matter what.

Here is my story of a girl who came into my life for a season and is now gone for good:

People for a reason:  This is the easiest to recognize because these are the people that you love at first and then as time goes on, they crawl under your skin.  So, there was this girl *Rudie who came into my life about three years ago.  She was the mother of my daughters school friend.  She was also a close neighbor.  I remember seeing her and she looked like someone I would talk to.  Someone I would have something in common with minus the kids.

We began talking as our daughters enjoyed playing with each other.  As time went on, I opened up myself to her.  But that came very slowly as I always felt like there was something “off” about her, but I wasn’t able to put my finger on it.

I always stayed on edge with her as it did not always feel like she was a friend soul mate.  A friend “soul mate” is a word I often use, I’ll have to explain that concept later.  So, the fresh summers came by and we hung out together.  We took the kids to the beach, to water parks and we even had the girls spend the night at our houses.  I felt  like she was becoming a good friend.  Maybe she wasn’t that off as I had imaged.  I slowly opened myself up to her.  I told her personal things that us girls only tell our best friends.  We talked for hours on my couch, crying, laughing and even cooking for each other.  It was becoming a best friend relationship.

Time went on.

I got pregnant with Maya and my friend Rudie e was completely there for me.  But things got weird.

If you read my “about me”, I am a single mother.  I had my precious baby all on my own.  There was not a father involved.  So, I needed to find someone to be in my delivery room with me.  I though, hmm…my mom?  No, she lives too far (300 miles away) and if I needed to go in a whim, she wouldn’t be there.  I thought of my best friend, Barb, but no, she has two girls of her own and doesn’t drive.  So, that was out.  I thought of other family members, but the one person that stuck in my head, was to ask Rudie.

She was overjoyed when I asked her if she could be in my delivery room.  From that point on, I opened myself up even more to this friendship.  I trusted her.

Then the moment came.  I was ready to have my baby.  I called her, ready for her to pick me up.  Mind you, she already knew I was due any moment.  When I called her, she said she couldn’t take me to the hospital because her husband dropped her off at her mother’s house and she did not have a car. Apparently when her husband WAS going to pick her up, it was going to be late in the day.

The tears rolled down my cheeks.  My heart began to pound.  I got anxious!  What was I going to do?  I didn’t really have a back up plan.  I began calling my family.  Here is my ideal on “things  happen for a reason”.

I called one of my close cousins.  She lives a couple of blocks away from me.  I called her with my heart hurting, it felt heavy and tears were pouring out.  I told her what happened and she gladly said she would take me to the hospital and keep my oldest daughter.  It all worked out!

And this is the beginning of my story where my cousin was there for a reason and she is one of those people who will in my world for a lifetime, or at least it appears that way.

So, getting back to *Rudie.  She called me while I was in the hospital and apologized.  She said she was going to try to get to my room as she had promised, so she could be there.  In the end, she could not make it.

I was disappointed :/

So, I called my cousin and told her.  She had already offered to be in my room if need be.  I would have loved for her to be in my room, but I had asked what I thought to be a good friend.

It all happened for a reason.

Jump back to my friend *Rudie.  Fine, she wasn’t in my hospital room.  I forgave her.  I felt like she was a part of my life.  But it changed.

She got very much into her religion.  She began preaching to me.  Now, I have had many people preach to me, which is fine.  I have no problem with that.  The problem I had, was she was beginning to say how “evil” my family was.  I don’t think she meant it in a harsh way, but I took offense.  This is why religion is such a hot topic.  Everyone has different ideas, ideals and perspectives.  It is one of those topics I try to stay away from as I have my own views.

So, I let her little snide remarks slide off my back because I knew or at least thought I knew she was more than what she was being told.

Fast forward 3 months and I went back to work.  Rudie babysat.  It was great at the beginning.  I trusted her.  But it all fell apart once again.  I should have known.  She was not right in the head anymore.  I lost my friend in her deep magnetic view of her new found religion.

Now she began telling me my baby was “possessed”.  That was it.  I was over it!  I did not want that in my life anymore!

It ended badly.  I saw her true side.  And in hindsight, I don’t want a friend like that.  I found a new sitter and deleted her from my life.  She has bad energy and for some reason, there is something not right about her, but I just can’t put my finger on it.

And that is the girl who came into my life just for a season……….

 

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Halloween 2011

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I know it’s the winter season, but garsh darn it, I am just getting to my Halloween pics. I mean, technically, it is still “Fall”. I love Halloween and I felt like it came and went and then here we are at Christmas time. Ugh. Why does life go so fast? Wait! We make it go fast! Stores bring out their holiday gear months in advance. That is so annoying. I remember, I was getting ready for the night of the moon and they were already selling christmas stuff. What happened to enjoying the moment? Well, I am! I don’t care, if I am barely posting my Halloween pics now in December.

Enjoy  my tiny tid bit of my night below….

Life Is Strange.

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Life is strange.

Life is wierd.

And life can be unbelievable.

One day we can enjoy it and our lives can be what we perceive as perfect and the next day it can come tumbling down.  Or, we can be on one road and are trying to be strong for our lost of loved ones and then it all changes tomorrow.  We just never know.  That is the cool thing and strange thing about life.

In my strange world, I met this beautiful soul one day.  Once our skin touched, we connected.  But as all good things come to an end, it fell to pieces.  Now mind you, it was strange as we never once when out on a date.  I never let him into my personal world nor him I.  But when I held him, it felt like chocolate melting.  When he held me, it felt like I found my missing puzzle piece.

But with both of our crazy, busy lives, we just couldn’t give or put out more into this relationship.

As time went on, I purposely fought the opening of my heart.  I knew I had to protect myself from getting hurt.

And it came to a halt that screeched like a bad car accident.  After the accident, my heart hurt.  And this is rare.  My heart rarely hurts.  It has only hurt for a few selected souls.  Actually less than a couple of fingers.

But for some reason, when I no longer talked to him, my heart cried out with pain.  I couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me.  WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?  I thought, well maybe I’m just PMSing, but the feelings never subsided.  Then I thought, well maybe I’m just hormonal, but once again, the feelings were still there.

I meditated.

I ran.

I jogged.

I wrote.

I did everything that would normally help take the pain away.  But it was in my heart.  He was in my heart.  How did I allow him to enter?  Do we even have this choice?  Can we forcefully not allow someone in our heart?  I tried desperately to not allow him in my heart.  But sometimes they say our higher power has its own plans.

This I had to accept.  I had to just accept that I had feelings for this guy.  For whatever reason, I really, really cared about him.  And here I was, seven months down the lane and he was completely out of my life.  He would not talk to me.  I was saddened.  I couldn’t understand WHY I JUST COULD NOT GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD.

Two months went by and some days, I felt so proud of myself.  I felt like I was finally over him.  I felt like he was in my heart, but I was no longer saddened by the lost.  Then other days, I would get reminded of him.

Now this cold, chilly weather reminds me of him.

I met him exactly a year ago.  I would step outside under the moon and run into his arms.  He would hold me.  He would kiss me.  He would keep me warm.

As it is now cold and chilly in this December weather, I got a flashback.  I stepped outside and walked to my car and all of a sudden felt a surge of wanting him.  I wanted those arms once again.

I tried to talk to him.  He wouldn’t give me the time.

I tried.  I tried.  I tried.

Then one chilly evening, I decided, I would try one more time.  I told him I missed him.  After a few lines of conversation, he opened up.  I was so happy, to just be able to connect with him.  My lips curled up like burnt wax.

The next day, I saw him.  It felt like no other happiness I have felt in the longest time.  I was so happy.  I was beyond happy.  I was overjoyed.

We held on to each other like the world was going to end.  There was not a second that flew by that we were not holding each other.  I know he felt the same.

I know he missed me.

But we are stubborn people.

I just don’t understand why life cannot be simple.  Why does everything have to be so difficult.

I did not want to leave his arms.  I promised him I would not leave until he was dead asleep.  I kissed him good-night and went on to reality.  Or was this my reality?  Will it now be my reality?  Or is this all a dream?

It felt like a dream.  It felt like I was jumping on pounds of clouds.  I had the biggest smile in my heart.

I came home and went to dreamland thinking of this beautiful soul.  And I still find it rare and strange.  What is it about him that makes me so giddy?  What is it about him that makes me smile?  What is it?  I will no longer question it, but I  just know that he makes me happy.  I feel complete when I’m with him.

The next day, we both admitted that it felt so good to have our arms around each other again.

Now, I am the happiest girl in the world!

But this is the story of love.  Love lights up the world.   Love lights up a heart.  And this is what has happened to me.  I will cherish all that I have today.  If my path changes tomorrow, at least I had one more hug.  At least I had one more kiss.  At least I had one more chance.

What will happen tomorrow know one knows.  But today I am happy!

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am happy.

The end for today.

The sun was there…

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The sun was there one day,

like the shining of light.

It felt warm and glorious

as if your embedded in light.

The sun was there with rays,

it felt ever so blissful.

The sun crept up slowly, oh so slowly is climbed.

It did not want to rise, because ending is binding.

The sun went up higher, the lights and the shining,

the warmth had a buyer that couldn’t resist liking.

The Earth pulled at it, tugging like fire,

She tried to keep grounded, but she was too wired.

What happened? What happened? What happened to the light?

It was beyond staying grounded and IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT~

When the sun was up, her soul opened up,

LIKE FIRE WELCOMING OXYGEN IN ALL OF DELIGHT.

She took the warmth in without thinking of pain,

the laughter, the fun, will forever be sane.

The earth began to shake,

It scattered.

It hurt.

It’s over.

It’s dark.

The sun is gone.  0

She thinks of it every now and then,

The thoughts of that warmth, brings a smile to her face,

Thoughts of the light, brings a tear of delight,

Thoughts of the sun will stay in her heart,

For staying grounded did not happen,

but falling is what happens when your smile is open.

To my blissful sun….